Episode 50- "Calling All Cars"

Episode 50- "Calling All Cars" -Aired Sun Nov 24, 2002

( car radio playing "tears of clown" ) ( static ) ( male on radio ) and now, news. ( Shouting and sirens ) you wanna take it for a test drive ? ( Gasping ) last week we talked about you feeling like the sad clown. What's going on now ? Well, I had a dream the other night, uh... I was ridin' in a cadillac like my father used to have. Carmela was drivin' and I was in the back passenger seat. Sittin' next to me was gloria. In front of me, sittin' next to carmela was a business associate of mine. He's the one who's son had the accident. I don't know where we were goin'. No place. 'C ause we never seemed to get anywhere. Kinda like this therapy. And it was hot in the car, it was stuffy, uh... there was no air conditionin'. That's all of it. Oh, and uh... my friend had a caterpillar on his head. It turned into a butterfly. Has your friend recently changed ? Not a friend. Associate. And no. What do you think the dream means ? Can't you just tell me what the fuckin' thing means ? I mean, you obviously know. Why do we have to go through this exercise every time ? I don't obviously' know. I didn't have the dream. The meaning is elicited through verbalization. And the "gehoxtahagen" is uh, framed up by the "ramistan". Okay. Your wife, your mistress, a business associate, you, all in the same car. Your father's car. With my wife drivin'. Which if my father were alive, he wouldn't have stood for, for two fuckin' seconds. I hear anger. No, I'm just sayin', the old guys were different. Men in the front, wives in the back. You like that arrangement. Actually, I think the wives should ride in a little cart, behind the car. Like in the cartoons. Like behind noah's ark there's a little boat with the skunks. So wives are skunks. Oh, jesus fuckin' christ, it's fuckin' joke. Does it have to be like a cancer hospital in here ? But carmela is in control in the dream. Why, 'cause she's drivin' ? Whatever's gone on with the other two, you want to square it with carmela. Why ? That's what we need to find out. Freud says dreams are wishes. Dreams are wishes ? I thought you said that dreams represent repressed urges and... it depends. You know, I oughtta quit this fuckin' therapy. "Maybe it's this, maybe it's that." Maybit's a vongool ! Now, what about impulse control ? I been sittin' in this chair for four fuckin' years and still nothing's been done about that ! And it leads me to make mistakes at my work ! What good did you do me with that ?! Let's get back to the dream. Oh, fuck the dream, it's just a dream. Jesus christ, the money I been droppin' in here, I could've bought a fuckin' ferarri, at least I would've got a blow job outta that ! What do you mean ? Please, huh ? Don't get me started. I think you're glossing over the significant accomplishments we've made in here. Oh, my mother would come when she looked at a pot roast. Oh, you're second in the birthing order. Oh, carmela's drivin' the car, how fuckin' interesting. When you first came here you were clinically depressed. You suffered from panic attacks that put your life in danger. There's been significant relief in both those areas. You're right, but... I mean, come on. I been comin' here four years now. I been a good sport. Huh ? ( Blowing whistle ) sophia ! Your jacket. You're just gettin' over a cold, come on. I miss you so much. I'd be with you right nowif it wasn't for the kids. We want a 40% position in your hud business. What, 'cause I bent on the other thing you think you're entitled to reach into my pocket on this ? That was a gesture of good will. Tony. We've been down this road before. We share zonin'. Therefore, any of the fruits of zonin', we're entitled to. We done here ? Fuckin' ralph ? Where's your point man on this thing ? He missed his drops this week. I don't know. Maybe you can tell me. About what we expected. Bloomin' onion. Cool. The steak with the toothpick is daddy's, he likes it still mooing. I saw on cnbc that outback's profitability is-- excuse me. Dad ? Wait, sit. Sit and eat. It's a sin to waste good food. Try the mushrooms. I don't know what they do to them, but they're delicious. ( Tv playing ) bobby ? I'm alright. The kids are fed. Thank you. Bobby ? What did you do with the cake today ? Cake ? Your daughter said she saw it in the back of your car. She told me about it when I picked her up from practice. I took it to karen's grave. I buried it. Today was our anniversary. 14 years. I wish you would've told me about it before I picked up the steaks from outback. The sides alone were over $30.00. How often do you go to the grave ? Every day. That's what I miss the most, talking to her. Believe me, bobby, I know. I lost both my parents. It's very easy for people to give facile advice, "suck it up, move on," etcetera. I'm not gonna tell you that. Ieving is a process. Sometimes courage isn't a value. ( Phone ringing ) hello ? Look... let's not let this thing get outta hand. We've been doin' good business for awhile now. Carmine agrees. I agree. Well, 40% is not gonna happen, now. And we all know it, uh... I'm willin' to go five and a half. Hello ? Not acceptable. This guy who does the housing appraisals for tony. Vic the appraiser they call him. Joey. I want you to pay a visit to this pollack tony soprano's got doin' phony house appraisals. Vic the appraiser. Make this guy understand that he's gonna be workin' for us. On these shithole houses we bought in jersey. You got it. Why did he get her a cake ? She died. Go back to bed. Nicky ghilardi said mommy's ghost is gonna come back and haunt us. There's no such things as ghosts. The cake ? Maybe it was for the nuns. Sometimes when I'm walking down the hallway I can smell her hair. Well, maybe if we did something bad, she'd haunt us for our own good. There's nothing to be scared of. Go back to bed. ( Door closing ) tony's pretty hot. That you didn't counter offer. God forbid this gets really bad. There could be a change. Tony ? Suffice to say, no matter what happens now, or in the future. Carmine won't forget you. And uh, as far as us talkin' like this. It's just because we're old friends. And I know I can blow off a little steam with ya. Cheaper than a bartender. I'm only tryin' to bring good relations between the families. As I always do, and always will. No matter what happens, or who's in charge. If it's me, god forbid. Or whoever. Hey, branco. How you doin' ? Hello. Is he around ? Shaving. How's your boss ? Shaving his face. No, your employer there, uh, miss kirilenko ? Fine. Reason I'm askin' is 'cause uh, we didn't get the bill. Here he is. I fuckin' had it. With what ? Everything. Did you offer my nephew somethin' ? I'm a registered nurse. Not maid. Did you offer him an aspirin ? Cunt. What's with you ? Ah, this fuckin' competency hearing. Delayed twice and now it's coming up on friday. I don't know whether to chill the champagne or shit in my pants. It's gonna be-- why you got shavin' cream all over you. Huh ? Don't you wash yourself off ? It's over here, too. Yeah, it's that fuckin' lighting upstairs. If bobby put in the right wattage. Alright, listen. We find out where the jurors meet every day before they get bused to the courthouse. Now this mental competency thing, don't work. I don't wanna talk about it. So, what is the story there with you two ? He's a great guy. He's just still very much in mourning. We're stuck at platonic. Well, karen was a wonderful person. I'm sure god must have his reasons, but uh... sometimes you have to wonder. Well, I'm sure she was as good as gold, but he's developing a psychosis. Her clothes are still in the closet. And yesterday he bought her a cake for their anniversary and he buried it at her grave. What ? At her grave ? God forbid that I should say something, because then I would be perceived as a harpy coming between him and his dead, idealized wife. Listen you, don't make any plans for sunday. The baccalieri's are comin' over, I want you to make those kids feel welcome. Bobby jr. The kid's like 11. I don't ask you to do chore one around here ! You can go without seein' devin and your friends for one night. Yeah, we were supposed to study. But I guess you don't care about that. Vic ? Yo, vic. You don't return johnny's phone calls ? What did you say ? I'm only the appraiser ! Now, let me appraise you of this. Be at the red chimney on route three. Nine o'clock tomorrow morning ready to go to work. For johnny and carmine. Victor's scared now. Nobody knows where he is. Look, it's a bluff. They don't really wanna start a separate operation. You know the costs that are involved in our kind of hud scam ? You got the appraiser, the poverty pimp. They want in on a goin' thing. You want me to pay a visit to johnny sacks' guys ? Just say the word. H, you know what ? I'm not gonna go fuckin' ballistic. All due respect, T. Throwin' your appraiser a beatin' was a provocation to you directly. ( Honking ) there he is. You tell him to stop beepin' that fuckin' horn or I'm gonna shove it up his fuckin' ass ! T., Sil. Alright, sil. Enjoy the game. I'll see ya, tony. Alright, vit. You ever talk to beansie down there in florida ? Now and then. Does he ever run into carmine's son down in miami ? I'll be on my cell, you need me. Uh, beans tells me, uh... he sees little carmine all the time. Well, maybe beansie can feel him out. See if he's receptive to a meetin' with me. Maybe we can work this shit out he talks to his old man. Beansie's gotta happen to run into him. Not like we're askin'. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Look at that. Just stuffed artichokes. Ewe, no cactus for me. Cactus. You're not italian if you don't like artichoke. So, what mike piazza eats nothing but artichokes ? I mean, that's dicked up. Alright. I like rice. Maybe I'm chinese. Aya so, papa san. A.J. You, too, bobby. How'd you like it if little oriental kids were makin' fun of you ? ( Doorbell ) I'll get it. ( Janice ) you want an artichoke, bobby jr. ? No. It's dinner time. You sure, B.J. ? You're really missin' out ? I said already. Ho ! Hi. Hello. Hi, mrs. Soprano. Everybody, this is devin. Devin, would you like something to eat ? No thank you, I'll um, just wait inside. She tell you who I saw at schantz's hardware last week ? Oh, god, do you have to tell every person you run into ? I'll put an end to the mystery right now. Connie francis. Ugh. ( Phone ringing ) uh, excuse me. She was lookin' at recessed lighting. I put in recessed lighting. But I'm sorry now. Hello ? Tony, it's me. Hey, how you doin' ? Fine fettle. Listen, I spoke to our friend. The son. He seemed very receptive. Tuesday night. We'll meet down here in fla. We'll pick a place later. I got my stepdaughter and her friends this weekend. I'm gonna have to bring them along. Okay, good, good. Thanks. Somebody'll call ya. Where is anthony ? He went upstairs with that girl. You two come with me. Anthony ! That door is not supposed to be closed. We were studying. Is this how you treat your guests ?

My guests ? You invited them. These kids just lost their mom. Could you give them a little time ? You know how much little bobby likes you. Now what am I, daycare ? You must have a million games in here. Clue, monopoly. Help them pick somethin' out. Come on in, kids. A.J.'S gonna help you find a game. Spirit, speak to me. Is bobby jr. Gay ? Now do it again for real, like last time with the dead little baby. Yeah, quit messing arou. Okay, serious. Spirits, identify yourself. Are you forcin' it again ? Shut up ! Do you think it's my mom ? Um, probably not, it's not people you know. Will you do it with me, devin ? Okay. Spirit. Do you know karen baccalieri ? Sophia. Is she making new friends in heaven ? Maybe we should play something else. Yeah, this is stupid, let's play clue. Yeah, you're just a scared little baby. I'm not scared. I have this game at home. I used to play it all the time, until it got boring. How about we try and contact the dead for real ? Just heard from our friend. The other guy'll sit down. I'm goin' on tuesday. Want me there ? I was thinkin' of bringin' paulie down. Face time with you could be what he needs. He's on the rag lately. Then I decided against it. The other day, we were talkin' about florida. I noticed you clammed up around paulie. You did, too. It occurred to me that maybe paulie's the one tellin' our friend in new york all our business. I mean, somebody had to pass along that fat joke. He was in youngstown at the time. In the can. What, people can't visit him ? Jesus, you believe this shit ? We're talkin' about fuckin' paulie here. Well, for now he's got no reason to know about the trip. Nobody's got a reason to know. Absolutely. It's on a need-to-know basis. And get this fuckin' appraiser workin' again. I got houses just sitting there. You gotta hold hands. And nobody let go. The most important thing is that you keep your eyes closed during the ceremony because if you open them, whatever spirits we're speaking to will permanently remain trapped between worlds forever. Everybody's eyes shut ? Oh, great spirit from beyond. Reveal yourself. Give us a sign of your presence.

A.J. Keep laughin' if you think it's funny. It was you. Shh, you hear that ? What ? I heard it. Me, too. Wait ! I see A... a grey mist. With little specs of light. That's what I'm seeing, too. Wait ! I see somebody. An old man. A spirit from another dimension. Can you reveal yourself ? What ? What's that ? How come he's only talkin' to you ? Because, I'm the oldest and closest to the afterlife. Shh. You're a sea captain ? Captain jacobus ? What ? He says 's a terrible storm. It's raining where you are ? Waves are smashing against th e boat ? Aah ! Aah ! She's here ! She's here ! ( Screaming ) oh, jesus christ, the house ! What's goin' on ?! Oh, my god, what happened ? Nothin', we were just playin'. We were playin' ouija board. And then A.J. Did this séaE. Dad, I wanna go home. Soph, it's justa quija board. She's just scared. It's okay, honey, daddy's here. This is your idea of fun ? You scared these kids half to death ! I didn't do anything, he freaked out. Why's your shirt all wet ? Bobby, look, he had a sponge ! After what we just talked about this is what you do. You asshole, you asshole ! Robert ! You, say goodnight. You, get outta my sight. I can't remember a time when I was more disappointed in you. Goodnight. You wanna know somethin' ? He locked me in the garage at the guy with the pony tail's house. Bobby, I don't even know what to say. I am so embarrassed. Part a growin' up, don't worry about it. I'm only the appraiser ! ( Panting ) what do you think you could hide from us ? Tony bought three more houses that need appraisals, victor. I can'T. I told you, please ! Johnny and carmine's guys, they hurt me. Th at's nothin' compared towhat we're gonna do, victor. So go back inside, t your appraisin' shit and start appraisin' ! Did you like the movie ? What's the matter ? You went to the cemetery today, didn't you ? How do you know ? 'Cause you got cemetery mud on your shoes. Mud ? What are you, marge heggenbrinder now ? What do you know about the mud ? You been spyin' on me ? What, I can't go to the cemetery ? I gotta get permission from you ? We're talkin' about you. Not me. There's the grave and the funeral and... it's never ending. You don't wanna let it go. Did you even pay the funeral bill yet ? I'm never gonna pay him. Sonofabitch put an extra 15 pounds on karen when they did her up. This dispute with the bill is morbid clinging. And this is exactly what I mean, we have a nice evening and we end up talkin' about your dead wife. You invited me. The other night at tony'S. Your kids were tryin' to contact karen on a quija board. I mean, what'd you expect, you're talkin' to a headstone ? She's my wife. Well, she's dead and I'm here. Shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up.

I shot the sheriff ( phone ) yeah ? Tony, it's svetlana. Well, hey. I've just receiving the broach. I want to thank you. I don't know why I deserve it, but-- no, no, I don't wanna hear that. I want you to keep it. Ha. I'm gonna keep it, don't worry. Diamonds like this. Oh. It's a very nice gift. Very sweet. And what happened between us, it was nice, too. Okay, well, uh... that's it then ? These things happen and then life goes on. Are you sure, because if... you ever wanna talk or if you ever need anything. No, it's alright, thank you for the broach. Broke a woman's heart. Told her I couldn't see her no more. Sad, but there was no gettin' around it. Who is she ? Takes care a my uncle. Runs an elder care agency. She took care of my mother, too. Your former girlfriend's cousin ? That one, yeah. Is she your current goomar ? No, some brief fling kinda thing. You know, after awhile I felt like I had to cut off the leg. Not her leg, affair. Did I say leg ? Why did you cut it off ? Jesus, I am married. What happened ? I bought her the... it's this diamond pin that I send to every woman when I'm easin' out the door I'm such a fuckin' prick. You know what ? This is all bullshit. It was she who gave me my walkin' papers. You believe that ? What I meant was that... you know why she didn't want to see me anymore ? She said that I was high maintenance. And this is after all the time and all the money and all the fuckin' prozac. And all the fuckin' cocksuckin', motherfuckin' dream interpretations. And she says she didn't want to prop me up. And this from a broad that walks around on crutches half the time. Nice, huh ? Do you agree with her characterization of you ? I'm a miserable prick. I said this since day one. And you're no longer interested in changing ? In finding a way out ? No, I guess not. I said this last time, you just didn't want to hear it. You're paying me for my honest opinion. You should be in therapy. Althis fuckin' self knowledge. Where the fuck has it gotten me ? Okay, maybe it got me some shit in the beginning. Some leadership strategies. All we do now is we sit around half the time shootin' the breeze about philosophy, the italians, my uncle eckley. I try to keep the focus on the work. So when it goes off it's my fault ? Okay, fine, I accept that. You know what she says ? This broad... she's from russia, dirt poor. She's had some kinda osocarma disease in her leg when she was nine. She says that nowhere else in the world do people expect to be happy except for here in this country and still we're not. And we got everythin'. And when we're not what do we do ? We go to shrinks. For what, six, seven bucks a minute ? There's some truth to what she says. But should that be a source of shame ? That when the desperate struggle for food and shelter is finally behind us. We can turn our attention to other sources of pain and truth ? Pain and truth. Come on, I'm a fat fuckin' crook from new jersey. Anthony. Now that the panic attacks and the baseline depression have been dealt with, the real work can begin. See, I knew you'd say somethin' like that. Because it's true. When we're not constantly having to put out fires. We can really delve into who you are. And what you're really after in your very brief time on this earth. I'm sorry. I don't wanna do this anymore. And you can say that I'm runnin' away. But I've been here longer than I've ever thought I'd stay. Longer than anybody ever thought I'd stay. And you know what, I get no appreciation for it. You've shown a lot of courage. I commend you on that. Well, thank you for the commendation and... adios. Look, no fault, no foul. I appreciate everything you've done for me. Come to your next appointment. One more time. You'll cover my $300 a week in no time with some other mortadella. Alright, I shouldn't have said that. Look... you saved my life in the beginning and for all the times I came on like an asshole. I'm very sorry. You've got my number if you change your mind. And if you begin to feel any of the old feelings, you need to call me. So, what's customary ? I mean, do we shake hands ? How about a diamond pin ? Okay, well, uh... goodbye. ( Phone ringing ) ( male on answering machine ) you've reached doctor elliot kupferberg, please leave a message at the sound of the beep. If this is an emergency, you can reach me at 973-555-7089. Well, guess who's no longer a patient of mine. Calling all cars. ( Video game sounds ) his user name had 666. That means satan. ( Speaking spanish on radio ) ho ! I was gonna park in that spot. Hey, ball breaker. Welcome to miami. Mr. Melvoin, I've read your application for dismissal on the grounds of mental incompetence. And I've reviewed the findings of the doctors in this matter. Frankly, they were unmoved by mr. Soprano's performance. Your honor. To couch it as a performance. It's their opinion that he understands the charges and that he is more than competent to participate in his own defense. I'd like another round of testing. Your honor. Mr. Castleman. I didn't come all this way to stop this trial now. Court will convene on monday at 9:30 to continue proceedings. Your honor, please ! Since his injury I have not had a single conversation with mr. Soprano in which we've related on any meaningful level. Feel free to take that up on appeal. Fuck ! We'll get to a juror. We're workin' very hard. ( Tires screeching ) ( phone ) hello ? Bobby, hi. What's up ? I was just doing housework, why ? Is everything alright ? Oh, my god. Tell me about it. Got home tonight. Kids were kinda quiet. Then bedtime, all hell broke loose. Cryin', wouldn't be left alone. Sophia especially. They been playin' with that goddamn quija board again. Oh, no. They were tryin' to contact karen. What ? I don't know what to say, bobby. I came over this afternoon with some pound cake. I saw it. I heard them in his room with that quija board. I thought, "this is not good." But then after the other night, I didn't want to overstep my bounds. It'sy fault. Hey, you're under a lot of stress. You're a single dad. No, you were right. It's bad for them. It's un-wholesome. You want me to go up ? I think they're asleep. Finally. I had to read to sophia for like an hour. She couldn't even handle a nancy drew, it was too mysterious. Go ahead. It's just... the dead have nothing to say to us, bobby. It's our own narcissism that makes us think they even care. It does get better with time. Did you get anything to eat at least ? Can I fix you something ? Nah, it's too much trouble. No, it's not. I'm starving, too. There's probably something in here. Karen's ziti. It's the last one she made. And it was like 300 degrees in that minnie mouse head ? So I took it off, you know ? I was gonna have a cigarette. And some kid took a picture of me. Come on, girls, girls. These gentlemen have things to discuss. Let's go. Okay. Thanks. Thanks, nice meeting you guys. ( Beansie ) see you at the bar later. Look, carmine. You basically know what's goin' on with your dad and johnny and us over in jersey. First let me say, I understand. And I appreciate the respect you're showin' me by comin' down here and reaching out to me at this time. Always. And I will also go on record as sayin'. "I know my old man can be a tough nut to crack." I don't wanna crack nuts. But I will. I feel the anger. When I try, for the second time. On a separate issue, entirely, to reach an accommodation. And he don't even make a counter offer, where's his respect ? I have no way of knowin' what kind of advice he's gettin' from johnny. Johnny's always usually a voice of moderation. Me and him, we get along good. So, all due respect, let's not jumpn and blame johnny. True. John's a pragmatist. But he's also a greedy motherfucker. He lives above his head a little. I am reminded of louis the whatever's finance minister, de-somethin'. He built a chateau. Nicole and I saw it when we went to paris. It even out shown versailles... where the king lived. In the end, louis clapped him in irons. Look, tony. All I could promise you is... I will look into it. I understand you gotta try to feel out your old man so he don't give you a'matz. You know, for stickin' your nose in. Tony. I haven't been afraid of my father for quite some time. Fair enough. But carmine, bear in mind, he came onto my turf. He tried to recruit my mulignan. And worse, he roughed up my appraiser. If the proper response is not forthcoming in a business-like timeframe... my next move will not be further conversation. I get it. Also, you should know that my next call will be to johnny sack. To let him know that we talked. He shouldn't feel blind-sighted. ( Crickets chirping ) ( door screeching ) hello ? Hello ? I'm here for the masoner job. Me, no... speak-de-english. Me dispiac'. ( Door screeching ) ( gasping ) ( breathing heavily )

all over manhattan and down doheny way

everybody's gone surfin', surfin' U.S.A.

We'll all be planning that route

we're gonna take real soon

we're waxing down our surfboards

we can't wait for june

we'll all be gone for the summer

we're on surfari to stay

tell the teacher we're surfin'

surfin' U.S.A.

Haggerties and swamies

pacific palisades

san anofree and sunset

redondo beach L.A.

All over la jolla

at waimia bay

everybody's gone surfin', surfin' U.S.A.

You'd catch 'em surfin' at del mar

ventura county line

santa cruz and trestle

australia's narabine

all over manhattan and down doheny way

everybody's gone surfin', surfin' U.S.A.

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